Is this a sign of a problem?

On Mondays with our Life Skill classes we go on community which is where we go shopping or out and about and try to teach them money and shopping skills. They just want to spend money so you spend some time saying the whoopie cushion is really not a wise way to spend your money. (This from a woman whose husband has 2 fart machines which really made the Olympics a good competition but that is another story)
So today we go on community to Big Lots. I love that place, cheap junk for cheap. And the Christmas Tree Shop is right up there in the running. Probably lead based everything! And why is lead paint so much cheaper than say, healthy paint?
So in Big Lots I see Halloween brownie mix...mmm, good until July and let's face it I have some spices older than my youngest child. I am on that brownie mix like a crazed p.m.s. broad with eight arms. For 50 cents I buy, not 2 or 3 boxes but 10 boxes. I do think you can never have enough baking goods in the house. If I have fewer than 5 bags of chocolate chips I start to hyperventilate... I love to bake when I am in the mood. I hate to cook which is why my next husband will have his own food network show. (Guy with the spikey blonde mess.. he's my next man.)
And as I get home and start unloading all these brownies I think, "Is this wrong on every level?" yes it is.

But if you ever need a brownie, you know where to come... bring the milk!

Insomnia

Not being able to sleep is just sooo much fun. Tossing & turning and trying to shut off your brain.
My husband can fall asleep before the pillow is done crunching with the weight of his head.... and then he starts snoring... ALL NIGHT!
If I drink Ny-qul like a shot I can sleep or The Blessed P.M. pills...But don't wake up because there is that rumbling next to me and my mind racing, racing. You know, all the things to do, and not wanting to be behind on things. And for some reason people come to mind. Maybe someone I lost or someone who lost me. And it's 3:00 and you want to call people and say, "Hey, remember me? what happened 10, 20 years ago, really?"
And the sad thing is I have been like this since I was very young, I can remember being 6, 7 and worrying about what happens next... and here I am still thinking about what happens next.
What happens next is I take something to sleep tonight. 3 days is my limit.

Handwriting

Looking for an address and there in the little noebook is a list of phone numbers. Aubrey, Luke, Paige & myself. A pet store. I did not write these down, my Mom did.
I am moving closer to 14 months that I have not called or talked to my Mom. I know she is gone but still I think, "Oh, I will call Mom and tell her about.." and sometimes I think this right after I have thought about her being gone. I do not have anything that smells like her any more, but I wear her old flannel shirt and still I hold it close and sniff. Can she see me? Does she know? Will she see Marissa graduate or any of my girls marry?
I look at the snow and remember how we complained about it. The long cold winters. And then she would start the Spring madness of flower bulbs and planting. She asked me to dig up her bulbs when she thought she was dying and I wasn't so sure. I told her I would need a forklift. Maybe this summer I will dig a few up. I did plant some bulbs that my Dad had dug up while re-doing his garage. He would say it but he couldn't throw them out.
I have been doing better.. eye on the prize, this is not my home, heaven is waiting.. but my patience is often not so good. And I see my Mom's writing and miss her so bad I think my heart will explode out of my chest.
Can she see me? Does she know?

Over the Hill and heading down fast

My phone rings today and some woman (it must have been her first day because she wasn't very fluent) wants to know if I might do a radio station survey and make an easy $50. Well, heck yeah! So she asked what station I usuually listen to and then how old I am. I think this is the first time someone has asked my age since December 19. I choked on "50" and she says "Thanks and goodbye"
WHAT THE HELL!!!!
I knew this would happen. It started with the gray hair years ago, really I don't have a clue of my natural color. And then the occasional chin hairs that now could be considered a crop..and it is so wonderful to feel one in the middle of the day with no tweezers or a mirror to crop dust it with. (So you spend the day feeling it and hoping no one sees it.) And then some of those crazy hair are like fishing line, white and stiff. Ugh!
And then there is the broken thermostat.. I am hardly ever cold. I can go outside in 20 degrees and feel fine. The ceiling fan in my bedroom runs at top speed all year and my husband gets up and complains it is cold while I am gasping for air. And I am wearing my clothes out by flapping them away from my sweaty skin. And how can your body only heat up from the waist up?
I do not like this aging thing. I do not believe 50 is the new 30..all lies!
Now, excuse me while I go ice pack my neck because it's getting warm in here.

what to say?

Just because you lose someone you don't know what to say. You would think that you could have this big wonderful word that would help heal such a broken heart...but I don't.
So, is it enough to tell someone you love them when they have lost someone they love?
Even Jesus wept.
And that sometimes feels better.. to know that Christ ached as we do and He knew the whole picture.
I lift my prayers up for those who ache.. including myself.

I am a pathetic blogger

So, when I started this I was having a cancer scare and life was rolling right along anyway but now I am back to being my boring self. You know, housework, grocery shopping, the job... I wish I could win the lottery or something to spice this little old blog up but I don't see that happening.
I have made it thru the year without my Mom which is a major acomplishment. It was one year on the 23rd and I have a peace settling over me... miss her like crazy but then I have to think if I believe what I say... man, my Mom is in glory... and I will see her again... and I can't wait.

Talks with her hands

I am an educational interpreter which is a big word for someone who does sign language.
I had my first student for 2 years before he voluntarily signed to me that I was Fat and he knew I was fat because I ate too much because he also signed that.
My newest student (I am on 3 years with him) does not sign much either. (Their parents did not think this is a skill they need to learn for their children.I could rant on that one forever but I won't) Anyway, my latest boy seen me doing "the shuffle" to fix my undies and looked at me and I explained my panties were in a bunch... 3 years of hard work and he has to spend the whole day asking people if their panties are in a bunch. And I know for a fact most were lying when they signed "no" to him.
People ask me how I do my job all the time becasue I am in a Life Skills class with challenged kids but there are days that I laugh until I cry. (And some days I just cry) I hope when I am in heaven I can look them all up and see how they turned out because this world often does not recognize how incredible they really are.