Mean Girls

I am a big fan of the movie "Mean Girls" but I think the ending was stupid. We all know those mean girls sometimes are always mean girls, even after they get hit by a bus. And I have to admit, I am sometimes a very mean girl. I once saw a Christian speaker talking about how women look another woman up and down and make a judgement within seconds of them walking in the room. A few weeks ago I commented on FB about a fashion statement that was way beyond bad. I have to say, I saw another one today....pants are never made to be tucked into socks.. EVER! But I am often reminded of that speaker, "What's it to you?" Calling me out on my mean girl ways.

Why are women like this? Is it to make ourselves feel better about who we are? I admit I do not like who I am alot of times... but, I try to balance it out.

I work with alot of women. For the most part we all get along which is amazing but I think it is also because we are too busy working or hot flashing to be too mean. I really like all the women I work with. They all have made me laugh until I cried which is the best way into my heart. And in the past few years they have lifted me up in some really crummy times...I will miss them when I go to the high school. (Which will be full of mean girls... middle school is just their training ground...ugh!)

So I guess I need to keep asking myself, "What's it to you?" and then keep answering myself, "It is nothing to me so I should just shut up...even if what I say is pretty damn funny, it is still hurtful and mean."

And I do need to be careful, there are alot of buses in my life.

A bag of crap

Today, against all that I hold civil and right I had to collect dog poop in a bag and take it to the vet. Yes, me who has had a dog for about 6 months and have officially turned into one of "those" people. My dog Sophie is allowed on the furniture, swims in our pool, is taken out for ice cream and sleeps IN MY BED! (Recently we are hosting another dog who needs a home because my Sophie was made to be an only child..Chaya the new pup is wonderful, let me know if you want a dog)

So there I am in the car with my ziplock bag inside a brown lunch bag telling my dad I hope nobody mistakes it for their lunch. (Sick thought and I am sure all vets know what's in the bag)

As we pull in there are 3 people by the fence with what I know is their dog, wrapped in a blanket. I know this dog is gone. And here are 2 grown men and a woman sobbing over this pet. It is like seeing rawness like you should not see. Over a dog. I do not need to wonder how this dog came into their lives and changed them. This dog that probably slept in their bed and looked with begging eyes whenever they ate at the table.

I admit that I did not get a pet because of the pain. I have seen my girls cry over lost pets. Why put yourself through that? And darn it, I broke down and now I have this wonderful brown face that barks too much and makes me laugh. She is like a cartoon in my life.

It is a risky thing to love a pet but maybe it is a risky thing not to.

Yeah, I am now one of "those" people.

Here comes the countdown

Every August I feel it, looming over my carefree days like the plague... Back to School time.
The stores can't get the 4th of July goodies off the shelves fast enough to announce and continually advertise "Back to School" And all the kids look so happy with their new supplies and clothes. And by mid August they trudge into school and try to lock and load for testing, testing, testing.
I remember the good old days. School was Labor Day to Memorial Day and for the life of me I can't remember when it started creeping into summer days. I also remember being excited about the clothes and supplies. (A friend once told me I got on the bus wearing a white blouse and blue jumper and she decided to make friends with me. I remember that outfit, it was polyester..Ha! The good old days!)
Don't get me wrong, I know some teachers rejoice in Back to School. I am not one of them. There is nothing more wonderful than waking up on a summer day with NO PLANS! The books to read! Piles and piles of books to read and you can stay up all night reading them, YAY! The pure joy of no alarm clock and the happiness of not hitting the floor running but staying in bed just because you can! I would not mind my job so much if it started at 10:00 a.m. everyday because I love to sleep.. it is my new sport of choice. (And at my age it is a battle to sleep so it is indeed a sport to me)
I hear all you year round workers screaming at me! Poor you! 10 weeks off for the summer, Christmas breaks and Spring break! You are so lucky! I admit, I am pretty lucky but maybe someday you would like to do my job. Walk into a Middle School and come out alive! It ain't pretty I have to tell you.
I have 10 days.

My Mom Sent me

Today I went to clean my Dad's house. I was standing with the endust when he said his childhood best friend had called and his wife is dying. She is in the hospital.
"Which hospital?" Dad was not sure so I called and soon we were heading to Bremen. My Mom sent me like she always would. She would call and tell me, someone was in the hospital and she wasn't sure if they Knew. Could I go? Would my sister or brother go? She needed to know.
This was my Mom's friend. They vacationed together and were married to fishermen. They loved each other. And a few years before my Mom died she told me that this friend didn't believe in God.
So my Mom knew and it bothered her.
Today I went into a room to visit this dying friend with my Dad. She made some comment about God taking care of his children. I hesitated since I knew weeks earlier my Dad and I talked about her non belief....so I boldly asked. And she answered and I knew that she Knew. That she was at peace.
She asked me if there was any message for my Mom when she got there. My Dad told her to tell Mom that the washer did turn his tee shirts inside out... I said tell her she didn't tell me how hard this would be. The living without a Mom. The incredible aching missing her. But she already knows.
Before we left my Dad cried and told her he was so glad he came to see her. He was worried about where she would be. He prayed for her nightly that she would know. And now he Knew. She would be in Paradise.
I had no plans to drive to a hospital today and driving home I saw a stone fence and remembered I had a dream the night before about a stone fence. And during my sleep my Mom was there with my Dad and they were surrounded by Christmas decorations....what could all this mean?
My Mom sent me. And it was a blessing today.

28 years

I had her named picked out long before she was even thought of. I dreamed of this little girl and I would name her Aubrey. A not so very ordinary girl or name. 28 years later, her name still fits her.
I did not know the first time I felt her kick or held her close what adventures we would have but I was glad I would be having them with her. She was and is a happy person, even as a baby I could have left her on a blanket in a field and she would have been content. She makes her own fun.
She wanted to know why she couldn't pull her head off. She loved New Kids On The Block. She was a terrible test taker. She has a strong moral compass. She has the best ugly cry and is my favorite person to watch a sad movie with. She is a hard and loyal worker. She drives a pick-up truck. Her short stories last forever and are often confusing. She loves KFC coleslaw. When she was getting ready to walk she fell on her face and walked on her knees for months. She loves her family. She is a hoarder.
She came home at 10 and wanted to shovel horse manure just to be near horses and she did it for years. She still loves horses.
When she was 19 she had stage 4 cancer. We walked into a doctor's office and walked out changed. My Aubrey had cancer. We went through chemo and losing hair and still we laughed together. She went through cancer with a spirit that I marveled at. She is a strong young woman who has made my life an incredible adventure for 28 years.
I thank God for her every day, that He would send this soul to me who has taught me so much.
Aubrey Lenee, I could not ask for more!

Self centered

I work in a middle school and there is no doubt if memory serves me right that at that age it was all about ME! And on a day to day basis I see that is how it is with kids that age. (Okay, some people never out grow that but that is another story)
I also work in life skills which some people view as a different world but I gotta tell you, they are all about themselves too. My "boy" truly believes the world revolves around his little deaf life and it is his way or the highway. He has a housefull of siblings and I imagine on any given day it is like WWF because he comes in with the bruises and scratches to prove it. (And he may be small but he is mighty)
So recently I am shopping with this little self centered ego maniac boy and he is looking at cars. I sign and ask him which one he likes and he hands me the one he liked and I explain he does have enough money. And then he looks at me and signs "No, for my brother" (His brother who was in the hospital. Earlier in the week I had to explain that his brother was not in the hospital because he had choked him but because his appendicts was bad and please don't choke your brother again) And there I am in the Meijer toy aisle crying.
It reminded me of my family. We are not kissy feely people. Growing up there was chaos, being pulled by my hair through the house, food fights and fist fights, stealing each other's clothes and according to my younger brother an occasional car. Once I walked into the kitchen and one brother's girlfriend was on my other brother's back beating him over the head with a frying pan..yeah, it was that crazy. (We tried to tone it down when my parents were home but more than once I remember my Mom trying to rein in the madness)
But through it all, we loved each other. Don't mess with my family. And we still argue but are too old and fat for a real brawl so the words fly back and forth. And we laugh a lot. And we are proof that fighters can be lovers too. (But you might want to hide the frying pans if we visit)

Forget me not

I believe in the saying that if you don't forgive people it is like drinking poison and hoping it kills them, it is true. Letting go is the best thing. Forgive them they don't know what they do...
But my problem is when you hurt me, betray me, show me I can't trust you I just can't get over the hurt of it. I try to forget and think, well, they are out of my life. But what happens when they were in your life so long that it is like you have lost a part of your heart?
Do they go on in their lives and never think of you? Never remember all the things you meant to each other? And even the future is in disarray. They were suppose to share all the wonderful things in our futures; weddings, babies and anniversaries. they were suppose to call you when the pain was so bad you knew that things were forever changed. But they didn't. Something happened that I didn't understand and now they do not think of me or care. They were someone that I loved and now I am forgotten.
I know it happens all the time with family and friends but I wonder how you heal from it? How do you forget it? How do you forget them? I keep trying.