Not being able to sleep is just sooo much fun. Tossing & turning and trying to shut off your brain.
My husband can fall asleep before the pillow is done crunching with the weight of his head.... and then he starts snoring... ALL NIGHT!
If I drink Ny-qul like a shot I can sleep or The Blessed P.M. pills...But don't wake up because there is that rumbling next to me and my mind racing, racing. You know, all the things to do, and not wanting to be behind on things. And for some reason people come to mind. Maybe someone I lost or someone who lost me. And it's 3:00 and you want to call people and say, "Hey, remember me? what happened 10, 20 years ago, really?"
And the sad thing is I have been like this since I was very young, I can remember being 6, 7 and worrying about what happens next... and here I am still thinking about what happens next.
What happens next is I take something to sleep tonight. 3 days is my limit.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Handwriting
Looking for an address and there in the little noebook is a list of phone numbers. Aubrey, Luke, Paige & myself. A pet store. I did not write these down, my Mom did.
I am moving closer to 14 months that I have not called or talked to my Mom. I know she is gone but still I think, "Oh, I will call Mom and tell her about.." and sometimes I think this right after I have thought about her being gone. I do not have anything that smells like her any more, but I wear her old flannel shirt and still I hold it close and sniff. Can she see me? Does she know? Will she see Marissa graduate or any of my girls marry?
I look at the snow and remember how we complained about it. The long cold winters. And then she would start the Spring madness of flower bulbs and planting. She asked me to dig up her bulbs when she thought she was dying and I wasn't so sure. I told her I would need a forklift. Maybe this summer I will dig a few up. I did plant some bulbs that my Dad had dug up while re-doing his garage. He would say it but he couldn't throw them out.
I have been doing better.. eye on the prize, this is not my home, heaven is waiting.. but my patience is often not so good. And I see my Mom's writing and miss her so bad I think my heart will explode out of my chest.
Can she see me? Does she know?
I am moving closer to 14 months that I have not called or talked to my Mom. I know she is gone but still I think, "Oh, I will call Mom and tell her about.." and sometimes I think this right after I have thought about her being gone. I do not have anything that smells like her any more, but I wear her old flannel shirt and still I hold it close and sniff. Can she see me? Does she know? Will she see Marissa graduate or any of my girls marry?
I look at the snow and remember how we complained about it. The long cold winters. And then she would start the Spring madness of flower bulbs and planting. She asked me to dig up her bulbs when she thought she was dying and I wasn't so sure. I told her I would need a forklift. Maybe this summer I will dig a few up. I did plant some bulbs that my Dad had dug up while re-doing his garage. He would say it but he couldn't throw them out.
I have been doing better.. eye on the prize, this is not my home, heaven is waiting.. but my patience is often not so good. And I see my Mom's writing and miss her so bad I think my heart will explode out of my chest.
Can she see me? Does she know?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)