Up in Smoke

I started smoking when I was 18. Did I know how to smoke? No, but after giving it the old college try I mastered the fine art of sucking in trash and blowing it out. Everyone I knew smoked in the 80s and it was my major bow to peer pressure. My parents did not smoke and for years it was only my younger brother & I who puffed, puffed, puffed our way through life. And now I have spent all these years trying to quit.
My brother who quit just recently with Chantix was smoking 4-5 packs (yes, packs) a day. He is about a month into fresher lungs. I am a stupid smoker, maybe 2 a day and then maybe 10. I never buy them because I would smoke all day if I had a pack. How many times have I quit? Probably in a year I really smoke 10 months out of that year... I quit for 2 weeks, 3 days etc. but then I think oh, I can smoke just one.. I got news for myself, no you can't!
So I have not smoked since August 6th and I am not going to say "this time" because I need to be done with this.
Ah, my addictive personality. I am so happy I never tried cocaine because I gotta tell you, my nose would have been eaten off my face.
I am very thankful that my girls hate smoking. I told Aubrey years ago if she ever tried it I would lay her hands on the counter and hammer them until all her fingers were mangled and she would not look cool smoking at all. I would congratulate myself on putting the fear of God in her but I think she was just smarter than me.
So, I am not going to think "this time". I am going to say "the last time" I quit smoking because I never know when I can call myself an ex-smoker and that is almost as good as saying "I have never smoked".

Grumpy Old Men

I am not sure why I am stuck in this postion but I guess I may have to Thank my mom again. This was her job and now it has fallen to me whether I like it or not. It is alot of work.
My Uncle is now in the hospital fighting lung cancer. I think he looks pretty good for what he has been through but that is my opinion. I am trying to get information from a few people over 70 and I gotta tell you, these people are driving me nuts.
OH NO! HE REFUSES TO EAT! HE WILL DIE! (His son says he is bull-headed and the patient doesn't remember refusing the feeding tube)
HE HAS LOST 3 PINTS OF BLOOD! WHERE DID IT GO? HE IS GOING TO DIE! (blood transfusions after chemo are normal.. & I hate that I know this)
So I am like a firefighter... spray a few words here, a phone call there.. and I pray which makes God happy that my anger is down a notch.
& My Uncle Skip tells stories to his brother. They talk about "the old man" and the service..one is a veteran, the other running from the MPs. They talk about kids and marriage and alot about cars. (I swear a man would recognize an old car before any people in a photo..yeah, he had that 56 Chevy.. remember that 46 Buick? )
I sit in the hospital and listen and my Uncle winks at me with tubes in his nose & stomach as Skip spins another tale. They are the uncles that break my heart because they are so alone through mistakes and misteps. But I need them to know that they are loved by many so I go crazy with them.
I hope my Uncle gets out of the hospital and moves in with his brother. I hope they tool around town and everyone knows they are the Shireman boys. I hope they laugh together. And I hope when it's time they know they had a hell offa run and most of all they know that people loved them.
That is my prayer to God today.. know that you are loved. (No matter how grumpy you are!)